


and we will bend and borrow

by thebitterlesbian



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Rotating POV, Smut, and feelings, and probably some Angst, the whole point of this is smut honestly, with a pit stop at friends with benefits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-06-16 21:42:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15446481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebitterlesbian/pseuds/thebitterlesbian
Summary: "Olivia Benson, you need to get laid."God, how many times had Amanda caught Olivia staring at her?But how many times would Amanda have had to be staring at Olivia to figure that out?Or, the friends (with benefits)-to-lovers story that was supposed to be a one-shot but kind of got out of control.





	1. as i begin to lose my grip

**Author's Note:**

> This is a response to an anonymous request for a Rolivia fic based on the song Black, Black Heart by David Usher.

The atmosphere inside the bar was warm in a way that Olivia assumed was supposed to be cheerful. To her, though, it was smothering, compounded by the fire in her own body that had nothing to do with the temperature of the bar.

 _That_ burning had started a few weeks before, gradually intensifying until it was almost more than Olivia could stand. It was a heat that gathered in her chest before spreading out through the rest of her body, her heart pumping fire through her veins and electricity dancing across her skin. It pooled between her legs, her entire body thudding with each beat of her heart.

It was the kind of heat that could only be quenched by an outpouring of passion, a blaze that could only be put out by the smothering pressure of another body.

And it was _really_ fucking irritating, especially considering her job didn’t help in the least – in fact, it made it worse. She loved her job. More than _anything_ , except her son. But the stress that hung over her head every day weighed heavily on her and, at times, only served to stoke the flames she felt stirring deep in her body.

It was one of those times.

Olivia tried to pull herself out of her own thoughts and focus her attention back on the people around her, swallowing dryly past the lump in her throat. She was surrounded by the rest of her team, huddled into a booth near the back of the bar. They’d come out to celebrate finally coming to the end of a brutal serial rapist’s case; the offender had just been found guilty that afternoon.

The sound of Carisi’s laughter next to her finally brought her back to reality. She glanced over just in time to see Rollins clutching her sides, laughing almost hysterically. Olivia watched as Amanda lost her balance and nearly slipped from the booth before grabbing onto the edge of the table. She let out a chuckle even as her team collapsed into another peal of laughter.

Fin was the first to notice her distraction. “What’s up, Liv? Rollins almost wipes out and you barely crack a smile?”

“Sorry, Fin. Just…a lot on my mind tonight, I guess,” Liv offered quickly. She hoped Fin would buy her excuse, blame it on the intensity of their case or other work-related stresses. Before he had a chance to question her further she raised her wine to her lips. It was her third glass and she knew that it wasn’t helping her rising body temperature or her wandering mind, but she emptied it regardless.

Maybe that was _why_ she emptied it.

Thankfully, Fin seemed to accept her words with a shrug, turning back to Carisi to laugh about whatever joke had almost knocked Rollins off the bench. Amanda, though, caught Olivia’s eyes. She was surprised to see a knowing smirk on the detective’s lips.

The small smile was almost enough to drive Olivia over the edge. The curve of Amanda’s smirk made Olivia’s mouth go dry, and the glint in her eyes sent a shiver down Olivia’s spine and a flush creeping up her neck.

The glance was over almost as soon as it had started, but Olivia’s heart continued to pound. The possibility that Amanda could somehow read her thoughts flitted through Olivia’s mind. She shuddered at the thought, then forced herself to listen to the conversation going on at the table. She paid enough attention to contribute with murmurs of agreement and smiles when necessary, until Carisi slid out from the booth next to her.

“What, are ya callin’ it a night already, Carisi?” Amanda asked, watching as he swung his jacket around his shoulders. Her voice was light and joking, her words completely innocent, but it still cut straight through Olivia, sending a throbbing pulse of heat through her body.

 _Good god, get a grip_ , she thought to herself as she shook her head slightly.

“Matter of fact, I’m gonna go too,” Fin said, hardly giving Rollins the time to skootch over to let him out before he was nudging her with his body. “If you’ll ever let me out.”

Amanda grinned and nudged him back with her elbow before standing up and stepping to the side. Fin rose from the booth and pulled his jacket on, then turned back. “Anyone else coming?”

Olivia reached for her coat as she opened her mouth to agree, but stopped short when Amanda slid back into the booth and spoke first.

“Nah, I think I’m gonna stay a bit,” Amanda said with a shrug. She swirled the last bit of her drink in her glass in front of her, suddenly seeming very interested in the shallow tornado formed by the motion. Olivia stared at her, watching the muscles in her jaw work for a few moments. She could almost see a battle raging in the Amanda’s blue eyes. Then, slowly and deliberately, with a shadow of the same smirk she’d been wearing half an hour earlier, she raised her eyes to meet Olivia’s. “Wanna stick around for another?”

“Sure,” Olivia responded, the word falling from her lips before it had formed in her mind. As soon as the word was spoken she wished she could pull it back down her throat, angry at herself for being so quick to answer. She’d held her attraction to the blonde detective as close to her chest as she could since it had first started shortly after Amanda started as SVU, not breathing a word of it to anyone but her therapist, and even that hadn’t been specific at all. She didn’t really want to change that now.

But here she was alone with Amanda and the heat racing through her body and the wine that was making her a little too okay with the whole situation. It was almost like she _wanted_ to torture herself.

She forced the blush that had risen further up her neck back down and prayed that no one else had noticed the quiver in her voice. Rather than risk making eye contact with Amanda again, she focused on Fin and Carisi, bidding them both goodnight and keeping her eyes trained on their backs as they pushed through the crowd to the door.

Olivia kept her eyes on the crowd even after the detectives had faded from her sight. Her body was still on fire, burning unbridled through her body at her closeness to Amanda alone. Silence settled over their table for a moment. Even the chatter of the bar around them faded to the background of Olivia’s mind. She felt Amanda’s blue eyes on her but she resisted the almost-overwhelming desire to return the gaze for fear that her eyes would clearly reflect every thought swirling around in her mind.

Amanda cleared her throat and Olivia’s eyes snapped to her. “Another?” she asked, gesturing to Olivia’s empty glass. Olivia nodded after a moment’s hesitation, swallowing the apprehension that was already starting to rise in her throat.

“Thanks,” her voice was hoarse as she smiled at Amanda.

The smirk was back on the blonde’s lips and it sent another shiver through Olivia. Amanda turned to the bar and Olivia’s eyes wandered over her retreating figure for a moment.

 _Snap out of it, Benson_ , Olivia thought to herself, shaking her head yet again as she pulled her gaze reluctantly from Amanda’s body. Getting involved with someone from work was stupid, but when she spent more time every day with her team than she did in her own home…it was almost unavoidable.

Olivia’s mind flitted between her poorly-planned workplace romances. Elliot. Alex. Tucker. Cassidy. Each had taught her a lesson about giving her body and heart to another. They were lessons that she swore to learn from each time, but despite her typical iron-willed self-control, she still had trouble remembering them later.

And then there was Amanda Rollins. Her mind settled on the other woman even as she made her way back from the bar, setting Olivia’s drink down in front of her before sliding into the other side of the booth, both hands wrapped around her own glass. Her appearance pulled Olivia from her musings, and she flashed a smile that she knew must look distracted.

If Amanda noticed, though, she didn’t say anything, instead turning the conversation immediately towards work. Sipping her wine, Olivia tried her best to focus on Amanda’s words but her eyes kept taking in other things. The way Amanda bit at her bottom lip when Olivia finally managed form an intelligent response through the haze of wine and attraction and spoke. The way her tongue darted across her lips before she said anything. Her hair dancing gold in the warm light from overhead, her collarbone peeking out from the neck of her dark blue shirt, a startling comparison against her pale skin…

“Earth to Liv,” Amanda teased, waving her hand in front of Olivia’s eyes. “You alright?”

She fixed Olivia with another smirk. It spread over the rest of her features. Amanda raised her eyebrow in feigned confusion, but her eyes glinted with amusement. Her drink was half-finished and Olivia’s own wine was nearing the bottom of the glass.

She wondered briefly just how long she’d been staring so blatantly at the other woman.

“Hmm,” Olivia murmured. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m sorry about that, just have a lot on my mind.”

Amanda let out a chuckle. “Okay, Liv. If you need some help with that, let me know,” she muttered with a wink that was somewhere between a joke and a promise.

“What are you talking about, Rollins?” Olivia asked slowly, setting her glass down in front of her and tapping her fingers on the surface of the table. She frowned, faking confusion.

“Oh please,” she replied, leaning back in the booth, that damned smirk still on her lips. “You’re not distracted because there’s a lot on your mind – we’re out here celebrating because we just put away a very dangerous man. I think there’s another reason behind it.”

From somewhere deep in her chest Olivia drew up the courage to respond to Amanda. “And I suppose you’re going to tell me what you think that is?”

“Olivia Benson, you need to get laid.”

“Wh-what?” Olivia spluttered, coughing on the wine she’d just started to swallow. Her blood ran cold even though she could have sworn she felt the temperature in the bar jump a hundred degrees. Against her better judgement, she took another large gulp of wine, grimacing against the burn in her throat. She rearranged her features into what she hoped was a confused expression before glancing back up at Amanda, forcing herself to meet her blue eyes.

 “Olivia. You’re…” Amanda tilted her head slightly, smirk widening, “…not very good at hiding these specific frustrations. You haven’t been since I’ve been at SVU, at least. Probably even before.”

Olivia just stared across the table at Amanda, disbelief written across her face. She couldn’t believe that the younger woman had been so bold, or that she had been so, so correct. Her mouth fell open for a moment before she snapped it shut and blinked a few times. After a few seconds she scoffed and shook her head violently, denying Amanda’s assertions wordlessly fear that speaking would only prove Amanda’s point.

“Exactly,” Amanda said with another low laugh. She reached for her drink and pressed the glass against her lips, making deliberate eye contact with Olivia as she tilted it back and swallowed a mouthful of the amber liquid. Her throat danced with the action, drawing Olivia’s eyes to the pale line of her neck.

It was all Olivia could do to suppress a shudder at the idea of her lips pressing there, her teeth biting down, hearing the sigh of pleasure from above her as she bruised the skin.

“And your offer for help then?” Olivia rasped out, forcing the thought from her head. She was still unable to believe the ground they were threatening to cover.

“I’ve noticed your wandering gaze, Olivia. And you haven’t helped your case much tonight,” Amanda said, pushing on.

Her last words finally got through to Olivia, who snapped out of her daze. “Nothing about what you’re saying is right,” she muttered, hating the way her voice shook and robbed her words of all credibility.

“No?” Amanda’s voice was almost a laugh. “Would you tell me if it was?”

 _Hell no_ , Olivia thought, but her voice was stuck in her throat so all she could do was roll her eyes and shoot Amanda the most cutting glare she could conjure up.

“It’s incredibly inappropriate,” Olivia offered, knowing her excuse was weak, even if it was true. It hadn’t ever stopped her, or anyone else, before. She kept up the excuse, though, continuing, “You’ve just had too many drinks. And so have I. We shouldn’t even be talking about this.”

The more she talked, the weaker she sounded.

“No, alcohol has not muddled my brain, Olivia, or yours. I’m just pointing out an…outlet for your frustrations,” Amanda said with another shrug. “Like the gym, but it’s cardio you’ll actually enjoy.”

Olivia chuckled in spite of herself, and almost lost her resolve at the smile Amanda flashed her in return. She quickly dropped her eyes to regroup her thoughts before saying, “You’re pushing it, Rollins.” Her voice sounded choked and she cleared her throat before looking across the table at the other woman.

Amanda shook her head. A spark of an emotion Olivia couldn’t identify, but that looked a little bit like disappointment, flashed in her eyes for a split second before it was gone and she spoke again. “Well, offer’s still on the table for the next time there’s a lot on your mind.”

Amanda’s words were clearer and firmer than they had been all night. The tone of her voice, and the way her eyes flashed at the last word, sent shockwaves through Olivia’s body.

Olivia opened her mouth to deny Amanda’s ideas again, but the blonde raised her glass towards Olivia as if to say cheers before pressing it against her lips, tilting her head, and swallowing the rest of her drink in one mouthful.

Amanda slipped from the booth and pulled her coat around her shoulders before Olivia could react. She turned to face Olivia, her eyes blazing when she met Olivia’s gaze. Neither woman spoke, but they didn’t have to; the desire and arousal etched in Amanda’s eyes and across her face was unmistakable, and Olivia was sure that her own feelings were written just as clearly across her own.

Amanda’s offer had been made mere minutes before, but to Olivia, it already felt like an eternity had passed as her mind echoed with fantasies she’d worked to keep to herself for longer than she could remember. For the first time since the words fell from Amanda’s lips, though, Olivia wondered if the offer had been made for more than just Olivia’s benefit.

“’Night, Liv,” Amanda whispered, tapping her fist on the edge of the table once and flashing Olivia a smile that warmed her to the very core of her being. She turned and walked slowly towards the door and away from Olivia, who followed each step with her eyes before she was lost in the crowd.

Olivia sat back into the booth, her mind reeling with the turn the night had taken. She could hardly believe it had actually happened. Amanda had been right, of course, and the other woman’s words still swirled around in her head insistently. She tried to blame it on the wine and the blazing heat pounding through her body. But still, the burning desire she’d seen in Amanda’s eyes as the other woman stared back at her was seared into her mind.

All she could think about when she closed her eyes was Amanda.

 

***

An hour and a half later Olivia found herself staring at the dark ceiling of her bedroom. She longed for sleep, if only to give her a reprieve from her thoughts, but knew that it wouldn’t come easily. Her body was still on fire. She was sprawled out on her back on top of the sheets, desperate for any cooling relief she could find. Her thudding heartbeat was the only sound in the room, the near-silence almost deafening as she tried to grasp on to one of the hundreds of thoughts swirling around her mind. She tried desperately to blame both her actions and Amanda’s actions on the alcohol, but she knew it was a feeble attempt, at least on her part.

Amanda had seen easily through her charade of distraction, zeroing in on the thoughts in Olivia’s head for what she realized probably wasn’t the first time.

God, how many times had Amanda caught Olivia staring at her?

But how many times would Amanda have had to be staring at Olivia to figure that out?

Everything about Amanda Rollins had set fires in Olivia’s body and soul when they first met. That had pushed Olivia to shove her feelings for Amanda down so far that most of the time, all that was left was physical attraction. She could handle heavy desire thudding through her body every day; the fires in her soul, though, were harder to manage. So she ignored them, almost always successfully.

But nights like tonight – when Amanda could seemingly read into Olivia’s heart and mind and echo her thoughts into existence – made her ache for the other woman in more ways than one. Still, she knew all too well that even simple physical attraction was the first step towards what could feel like total ruin for her heart. She feared what would happen if she ever gave in to her thoughts and Amanda’s offer.

Olivia steeled her resolve to never do so, and to talk to Amanda about their conversation soon, to set her straight. In the same moment, the need in her body burned fiercely. It demanded her attention, taking her soaring to a new height.

Olivia’s back arched against the bed, as if her body was reaching out for something it couldn’t quite touch. For something that wasn’t quite there anyway. For Amanda’s hands, there to meet her in the dark. The thought sent shockwaves of heat through her body and a moan, high-pitched and almost needy, escaped her lips.

Moving without thinking, Olivia sat up and slipped her t-shirt over her shoulders. The cool air slipped over her body, raising goosebumps along her flesh. Her nipples hardened further in response to the shift in temperature and she couldn’t resist the desire to reach out and pinch them. Her breath hitched in response, and the action only served to push the fire churning in her stomach even higher.

Olivia relaxed back down onto the mattress, trying and failing to steady her thudding heartbeat. Instead, her mind conjured up the memory of the smirk Amanda had flashed her earlier. Her pulse spiked. The heat between her legs throbbed. Her body vibrated with a barely-contained need the likes of which she hadn’t felt in longer than she could remember.

Olivia’s restraint surged for a moment before it broke.

A whimper broke the silence of the bedroom as Olivia ran her hands lightly over her stomach. She let her fingertips drift over her own skin, longing for her touch to be replaced by Amanda’s. The mental image of the other woman bent over her torso, kissing a slow trail down from her neck, between her breasts, to the wetness pooling between her legs, forced a shuddering exhale of breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Olivia hissed to the ceiling. She had meant the single word to be a harsh exclamation. Instead, it came out a pathetic plea. Abandoning all resolve, Olivia drug her left hand up her side to her breast, pinching her nipple hard and letting out another whimper at the feeling. Yet another followed a moment later at the idea of Amanda’s teeth biting there instead, staking her claim and leaving her mark across Olivia’s chest. Each sensation sent waves of heat through her body.

Her right hand had drifted downwards. She felt her hips moving of their own accord, shifting slightly, trying to create whatever friction she could to release the pressure that was still building. Despite her mounting need, her movements were slow and calculated.

She needed to feel in control of _something_.

Her left hand still pinching and rolling her nipple between her fingers, Olivia’s right hand slid lightly from hip to hip across the waistband of her lace panties. She couldn’t help but picture Amanda kissing over the trail left by her fingertips. Olivia let out a sigh before she shoved the panties down her thighs, then kicked them impatiently to the floor at the end of her bed. She dragged her hand lightly up her thigh as she laid back onto the mattress, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind at the contact.

Olivia’s eyes fluttered shut. She was acutely aware of every sensation against her skin, as each sent electricity dancing outwards from the contact. Her mind returned to Amanda once again as she imagined running her fingers not over her own tanned skin but over the pale curves and lines of Amanda’s. She saw the other woman perfectly in her mind’s eye, sighing and shaking as Olivia planted wet kisses across her body.

She pictured herself teasing Amanda as she teased herself, light touches of fingertips to skin. Her left hand never stopped moving as she pinched at one nipple first, then the other, and her right hand continued to brush light patterns over her body. Amanda’s voice was clear in her mind, begging Olivia for some sense of relief.

Olivia tried to ignore the fact that her own senses were screaming at her for the same end.

Her right hand drifted lower, finally finding the heat between her legs. She let out a barely-stifled gasp at the slickness and the contact of her fingertips to her clit. Olivia jerked at the shock of the sensation, tightening the pinch of her left thumb and forefinger around her nipple.

With a whimpering moan, Olivia let the flames engulf her completely.

Olivia ran her fingertip up her slit, gathering wetness as she moved. Her touch was light over her clit and she only gave herself a moment of pause before repeating the action, harder this time. A whimper bubbled up from her throat each time her fingertips grazed over her clit. Her body demanded release but she continued to move slowly, wanting to draw out her pleasure as long as possible.

Eyes still shut, Olivia pictured Amanda. Her mouth in place of Olivia’s fingers, tracing her tongue over Olivia’s most sensitive parts. Her hand snaking up Olivia’s torso to take one breast in her hand, pinching the nipple roughly between her fingertips. Her arms wrapping around Olivia’s thighs, holding her hips in place as her tongue lashed at Olivia’s clit. The way it would feel for Olivia to thread her fingers through Amanda’s hair, move her hips against Amanda’s mouth; the way her voice would sound as she gasped Amanda’s name to the ceiling, almost a prayer.

It took her a moment to realize that her voice had actually spoken Amanda’s name into reality. The realization gave her no pause, though. Instead, it spurred her to move her fingers faster and harder against herself, spinning in tight circles over her clit.

Olivia felt the familiar tightening low in her stomach. She could hear her breaths coming in shallow gasps, punctuated every so often by a pathetically high-pitched whimper. Her left hand fell to the mattress beside her and she gripped at the blanket. It was the only thing anchoring her to reality as her body continued to spiral upwards towards release.

Olivia’s finger circled faster as her legs began to shake. The searing heat in her body flared in her core and her vision went white as her orgasm overtook her. A scream bubbled to her lips, threatening to split the night open, but Amanda’s name fell from her tongue instead, shakily whispered.

She let the aftershocks roll through her body, trying to hold onto every piece of pleasure for as long as she could. Her breath came in ragged pants as her body came down from its high. Her heartbeat still thudded erratically a few minutes later as the reality of the situation settled around her.

Despite the short sense of relief from the burning that had plagued her body for weeks that Olivia knew would come with her climax, her pleasure had already been pushed from her mind, replaced entirely with the way Amanda had looked in her mind.

Replaced with the fact that she had just touched herself to the thought of a coworker.

And with how much Olivia wished those fantasies into reality.

“Fuck,” she breathed up to the ceiling, screwing her eyes shut against the images and steeling herself again against the idea of ever even considering taking Amanda up on her offer even as every fiber of her being ached for the blonde.


	2. i'm on fire

Olivia woke long before her alarm rang the next morning. She stared at the dark ceiling, the events of the night before still clear in her mind and heavy on her chest. Her head started to pound, faint at first but growing steadily. She wasn’t sure if she should blame the wine or exhaustion. The little sleep she had been able to get that night had been riddled with dreams that left her yearning almost as badly as she had been before falling asleep. Her body still burned and throbbed along with the uneven pounding of her heart and she let out a soft groan as she forced herself to start her morning routine, walking towards her bathroom for a shower.

She couldn’t bring herself to glance towards the mirror above the bathroom sink. She was afraid of seeing regret over her thoughts and actions the night before, but more afraid that she wouldn’t.

Olivia stepped quickly under the icy spray of the shower. She shivered against the water tracking chilled lines down her back. She was almost surprised that she didn’t see steam rising from her body at the contact between the cold water and her warm skin. It cleared her head a little, and she was grateful for even the small improvement. She knew the burning pressure would be back as soon as she stepped out from under the spray.

Olivia shut off the water half an hour later, stepping out onto the tiled floor and finally glancing at her reflection in the mirror. There was no regret in her eyes, but there was a fire dancing deep in them that shifted along with the quiver in her stomach. She could hardly stand to look at herself and almost tore her gaze away from the mirror before she gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes. She finally zeroed in on a shadow of resolve in her depths of her eyes and it snapped her back to her senses.

_Stop_ , Olivia told herself, shaking her head. She gave herself one more moment to acknowledge the feelings swirling through her mind and the sensations overwhelming her body before she swallowed them before she could give in. Instead, she reaffirmed her decision from the night before regarding Amanda’s offer – to never give in.

Olivia dressed slowly and deliberately, focusing on each movement until she was unable to devote any attention to anything but her own motions. Still, she was dressed, hair and makeup done, almost an hour earlier than usual. She moved through the apartment, gathering Noah’s things for the day and getting them ready for Lucy, with equal care.

By the time she sat down on her couch, coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other, her muscles ached with a tension Olivia hadn’t realized she was carrying. She tried to relax her body as she sipped her coffee and ate her bagel, then scrolled absentmindedly through the news on her phone.

The minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly and Olivia grew impatient, desperate for something to let her mind get lost in. Her attempts to relax had failed and she eventually gave up, staring blankly at the wall across from her. She only felt some relief once she had left Lucy in her apartment and was on the familiar path to the precinct.

The squad room was silent when Olivia arrived. She wasn’t surprised, but she was relieved. She marched straight through to her office and sat down at her desk, diving right into her work for the day. The minutes slipped by more quickly once she was focused on work and she stayed in her office most of the day, emerging to talk to her detectives when absolutely necessary before retreating back into her space.

It was well into the afternoon when a knock at her door startled her, pulling her back to reality with a snap. Heartbeat thudding quietly in her ears, Olivia shut her computer, squared her shoulders, and called out, “Come in.”

Olivia quickly realized that her attempts at calming her racing pulse were useless when Amanda appeared on the other side of the opening door. She moved slowly, stepping cautiously into the office. Olivia watched as she turned around, still moving slowly, to shut the door. Her movements were so measured there was barely a click as the latch slid into place.

Amanda’s face was a mask of the same caution that she moved with as she turned back around and bounced on the balls of her feet. When Olivia raised her eyes to meet Amanda’s she saw a spark of something she couldn’t place in their blue depths. Amanda pulled a deep, shaky breath into her lungs before she spoke up.

“I wanted to apologize for last night,” Amanda’s voice was uncertain, lacking the air of confident suggestiveness that had drenched her words the at the bar. The hard determination in her eyes had softened too, leaving them sparkling in a way that left no doubt of her honesty in Olivia’s mind.

She thought it may have been one of the only times she was entirely sure Amana was telling the truth, and she was almost disappointed that it was happening _now_.

Olivia’s stomach clenched at the thought, but she offered the other woman a smile and shook her head. “No apology necessary,” Olivia murmured, working to keep her smile steady. “Like I said, we’d both had too many drinks. I know it was the alcohol talking.”

She paused for a moment before inhaling sharply. “But I am also going to say that it’s a conversation we shouldn’t have again.”

To Olivia’s surprise, Amanda shook her head and took a few more steps towards Olivia’s desk. “Liv, it wasn’t the alcohol talking, trust me. That’s not really the kind of thing I say when I’m drinking anyway.”

Olivia made a noise of confusion in the back of her throat, fixing her eyes on Amanda and forming an argument when the other woman shook her head and cut her off again.

“I’m sorry for saying it, but I’m not sorry for what I said.”

Olivia’s mouth fell open and snapped shut a few times as she tried to put together a response in her head. How many times was Amanda going to leave her speechless in less than 24 hours?

Silence hung between them for a few seconds until Amanda moved, crossing the last few feet of space between her body and Olivia’s desk. Her hands curled into fists and she pressed them against the surface of the desk. Her body loomed over Olivia’s desk but it wasn’t intimidating.

It was exactly the opposite as Olivia’s eyes traveled up Amanda’s body too slowly to be subtle, eventually meeting the other woman’s gaze. She swallowed dryly and another smirk spread across Amanda’s face as she stared at Olivia almost tauntingly before leaning back onto her heels and continuing.

“I still say I’m right. How, uhh, how long’s it been, Liv?”

“Amanda,” Olivia snapped, her voice sharp with shock. Her head ducked before she made the decision to move. She felt heat rising on her neck and cheeks and tried to convince herself that the blush was one of anger rather than embarrassment. She was, again, at a loss for words.

Instead of speaking she leaned in towards Amanda in what was supposed to be a threatening way, elbows on her desk, hands folded in front of her. The forward motion brought her even closer to the other woman and something in Olivia’s brain short-circuited momentarily as the warm scent of Amanda’s perfume washed over her, and again when her eyes found Amanda’s staring back at her.

Amanda chuckled again, uncurling her fists. She rested her fingertips lightly against the surface of the desk for a moment before meeting Olivia’s gaze. She was transfixed by the electric blue pools and didn’t notice as Amanda reached a hand, shaking slightly, towards Olivia’s.

The brush of Amanda’s fingers across the back of her hand was light but it sent sparks dancing out across her skin. Olivia immediately dropped her eyes to where she had felt the contact but Amanda’s hand had already retreated. Her eyes darted back up just in time to see Amanda flash her another smirk. “Sorry, Liv. _I_ won’t bring it up again.”

She didn’t miss the emphasis, or the implications behind it.

Amanda spun on her heel and walked from the office just as slowly as she had walked in. Olivia let her eyes linger over the other woman’s back, taking in the sway of her hips with each step.

It made her mouth go dry.

God, Amanda was right. She _did_ need to get laid.

Once the door swung shut behind Amanda, Olivia leaned heavily back in her chair. Her skin still burned where Amanda had touched her. She ran her hands through her hair before rubbing her palms down her cheeks and shaking her head. The carefully-constructed and fragile control she had built up since stepping out of her bathroom that morning cracked and threatened to fall apart around her.

Olivia reopened her computer, but the compensatory motivation she’d had earlier in the day was gone. She stared blankly at the screen, clicking mindlessly through tabs and programs while trying to conjure up the resolve she’d managed to gather that morning. She eventually pulled up a news site, but gave up on reading after she read the same short paragraph three times without comprehending a single word.

After another hour and a half of the same cycle of thoughts Olivia decided to call it a night, accepting that she wouldn’t get much more done anyway. She packed her bag slowly but exited the building quickly, stopping only briefly to say goodbye to Fin, the only other member of her team still around.

The stresses of the day fell away slightly as Olivia stepped onto the sidewalk outside of the precinct. She relaxed as she walked, enjoying the October evening. The crisp fall air cleared her head as she made her way home, and the idea of spending time with her Noah made her heart sing.

Olivia broke out in a genuine smile for the first time that day when she heard Noah calling out for her as soon as she stepped into her apartment. Happiness ballooned in her chest, pushing the swirling mess of emotions she’d been grappling with for nearly 24 hours almost far enough away that Olivia could ignore it.

And she did ignore it all evening, talking to Lucy and getting dinner ready. She chatted with Noah while they ate, focusing all of her attention on him as she always did when she was with her son.

But she couldn’t ignore it any longer as she lay in bed a few hours later. The familiar fire pulsed through her veins as memories of the previous night’s fantasies played in her mind’s eye. Before long her fingers were tracing the same path over her own body, bringing herself to the same pleasure only to lay wrapped in the same feelings of guilt and regret afterwards.

It was easier to push them away the second time.

***

 

Olivia followed the same pattern for the next few days. She woke up already on fire after dreaming of a thousand scenarios in her sleep. She shoved the thoughts down, swallowing them until she could only hear the faintest whisper of them. She threw herself into her work every morning in a desperate attempt to ignore the way they threatened to push back up past all of her barriers, from the moment she stepped into the precinct to the time she collapsed into her bed at the end of the day. She tried to resist the way her body demanded her attention, but she failed more often than she succeeded.

But there were improvements, if only small ones. It only took Olivia a couple days to learn how to rearrange her features into a believable mask of nonchalance, even around Amanda. A few days later after that, Olivia could trust herself to meet Amanda’s eyes without a hint that the blonde’s words were still swirling around in her mind. The searing heat still pricked at Olivia’s body every day, but it faded at times, and just less than two weeks after the first night in the bar, Olivia fell asleep without Amanda’s offer echoing in her ear and without thoughts of Amanda flooding her mind teasingly.

Looking back on it later, she realized she should have known it wasn’t going to last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support on the first chapter! Here is the second! Sorry there's no sexy bits in this chapter but hopefully the wait will be worth it. My plan at the moment is to update weekly, on Wednesdays. That may change as the semester starts in three weeks...or if I get too excited to wait seven whole days to post an update.  
> As always, I run on kudos and comments, and I appreciate any and all feedback on the story and characterization. Visit me on Tumblr at the-procrastinatingfangirl and let me know if you loved it (or if you hated it)!


	3. the sea will rise

God, Amanda wanted her.

She had for so long, for what felt like longer than she could remember. She’d come alive in Olivia’s presence in a way she never had before. The other woman was as stubborn as Amanda was herself, but Olivia’s stubbornness manifested itself in fierce loyalty, love, and dedication to her job and the justice she fought to protect, unlike Amanda’s tendency to rash action and using any means necessary to accomplish her ends. She’d grown as a woman and a detective since she’d moved to New York and Olivia Benson had walked into her life, but it certainly wasn’t always easy. They clashed and pushed against each other and, somewhere in the sweet struggle, Amanda found herself longing to see another side of the other woman.

The side of Olivia Benson that wasn’t in control. That let the spark of desire in her eyes kindle a flame that took over her entire being, body and soul. The side of her that finally cracked and came undone for a short while before retreating behind a wall of self-control and dedication to other matters.

And _fuck_ , did Amanda want to be the one to dismantle her.

That night in the bar had been her breaking point. One too many glasses of whiskey and one too many long days staring at Olivia had finally driven her to the edge. Amanda been watching Olivia for a while, as the pressure of desire built up in her body and etched itself clearly in her eyes. She had known Olivia long enough, and watched her intently enough, to recognize how the other woman carried herself when she wasn’t seeing anyone was tenser and tighter than when she was. Sometimes, Amanda thought she was more aware of Olivia than Olivia was.

So she decided to test the waters. Olivia had reacted just as she’d expected – desirous to the point of temptation, but refusing to give in. That had been inevitable. But Olivia’s resolve had been weaker than she had anticipated. Amanda could read every emotion in the other woman’s eyes, and she saw the moment the idea took hold. She noticed Olivia’s every nervous swallow, the way her eyes traveled slowly over every inch of Amanda she could see, how the words she didn’t say seemed to mean more than the words she did.

After a sleepless night that was too long, filled with dreams of Olivia giving in to her offer that were too short, Amanda spent most of the day torn between wanting to see Olivia again and wanting to avoid her gaze for a week. She didn’t want to face the possibility that she would see complete rejection in her eyes when she stared back. She didn’t want to let herself consider the possibility that she would find acceptance in her warm stare, either.

As the hours dragged on, Amanda felt the beginnings of an apology take root in the back of her mind. A part of it was genuine – if Olivia  _wasn’t_ interested, then she needed to know that Amanda really was sorry.

Oh, but if she _was_ interested…

Amanda was almost certain she was. The desire had been clear in Olivia’s eyes when Amanda reached out and brushed her hand. She was tempted to let her fingertips rest there for a moment but stopped, not wanting to push too hard.

Instead, she left it up to Olivia, but Olivia left little doubt as to what she wanted.

Patience was not one of Amanda’s virtues, but she summoned up what patience she could find and held onto it tightly. She had planted the seed, and now she would wait for it to blossom.

***

 

Two weeks had passed since Amanda had first talked to Olivia in the bar, but all thoughts of that pursuit were pushed from her mind by the situation in front of her.

She stared at the disheveled man handcuffed to the table in the center of the interrogation room. He was sniffling and whimpering out pathetic denials of guilt that made Amanda shiver in repulsion. Her skin crawled at both his pleas and the deeds for which he was trying to atone. She could barely bite back a scoff of disgust as she watched him recoil when Fin pulled the metal chair out from the table and spun it around suddenly. The man pushed away from the table, leaning back as Fin sat down in the chair and leaned in.

Amanda paced slowly back and forth across back of the interrogation room as she listened to Fin continue to push the man for a confession. She felt the man’s eyes on her as she walked, so she stopped and leaned against the wall behind Fin. Her eyes blazed as she glared at the man, crossing her arms over her chest. Focusing on anything that would give her a break from staring at the pitiful man in front of her, Amanda replayed the day in her mind.

In a turn of events that didn’t pass through SVU very often, Clyde Perkins had been turned in by his wife earlier than morning. She’d marched into the precinct, demanded to see Olivia, and scrolled through dozens of screenshots and pictures in her camera roll. It showed a lengthy ad varied internet history of child porn, fantasy chatrooms, and saved videos and images.

“We… _I_ …have a daughter, Lieutenant Benson,” Shannon Perkins had explained tearfully. “Oh god, if he ever did something to her, I could never forgive myself.”

The next few hours were spent tracking down Clyde and bringing him into the station. He had remained silent except for his tears and whimpers throughout the afternoon, refusing to answer even the simplest questions the detectives had asked. The fact made Amanda’s blood boil even hotter than his transgressions alone.

“I-I-I think I should get a lawyer,” Clyde finally squeaked, his voice cracking after hours of crying.

Amanda couldn’t contain the scoff of disgust this time. He’d said the magic words. She pushed off from the wall and heard the metal chair scrape across the floor as Fin stood up.

“M-my wife should have called one?” He spoke again, his voice a quiet question.

Amanda froze with her hand on the door. She knew she shouldn’t push, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I wouldn’t count on it, Clyde. Who’d you think turned you in?”

The glare she threw over her shoulder at the man was withering, and he shrunk under the heat of her gaze. It gave her some satisfaction as Fin followed her from the interrogation room and let the door fall shut with a thud behind them.

“You good, Rollins?” Fin asked, fixing her with a questioning stare.

Amanda grimaced and nodded. “Yeah, just…it never gets any less disgusting, does it?”

“Nah,” he shook his head. “But we’ll get him.”

“Did you get _anything_ usable?” Olivia asked, reminding Amanda that she and Fin weren’t alone in the room.

“Just a bunch of pathetic whimpering,” Amanda spat, throwing her hands up in the air.

Olivia sighed and Amanda watched her sink back into her chair. She ran her long fingers through her hair before looking up at Amanda and Fin.

“Not much more we can do about it tonight, I guess,” Olivia said with a shake of her head. “And it’s late anyway. Go home and get some rest, and we’ll take another swing at this tomorrow.”

Fin headed for the door with a wave to Olivia and Amanda, but Amanda was rooted to the spot. Perkins was as abhorrent as any of the other perps they dealt with on a regular basis, but there was something about him that ate away at Amanda.

“Are you okay, Amanda?” Olivia asked, pulling Amanda from her thoughts. Olivia’s voice was soft and laced with genuine concern, but it still broke over Amanda in waves of heat like the ocean breaks across land. Her heart thudded at the other woman’s gentle use of her first name.

“Yeah, it’s just…he had a _kid_ , you know? Who he’s supposed to keep _safe_. And he’s doing _that_. It just…it’s worse somehow, when they have a kid,” Amanda said, sinking down into the chair in front of Olivia’s desk. She hadn’t even been able identify to her feelings to herself. Not until the words were already coming out of her mouth to Olivia.

The admission hit Amanda suddenly and she snapped her mouth shut. She was the one who wanted to dismantle Olivia; Olivia didn’t have to take her apart, too.

The next thought, the thought that maybe she wouldn’t mind if Olivia tried, scared her more than the admission.

Amanda heard Olivia sigh across the desk from her. She raised her eyes to meet the warm, dark depths of Olivia’s to find them full of understanding, undercut by a blazing anger.

“I know,” she sighed, resting her crossed arms on her desk and leaning heavily on her elbows. Her eyes dropped to her desk as she continued. “It’s scary. We see the darkest parts of people every day, and then try to raise our children in this world despite that darkness. But we do what we do to shine a light and push some of that darkness back.”

A silence settled over them as Amanda took in Olivia’s words. Amanda’s eyes never flickered from Olivia’s face and the older woman lifted her gaze a few seconds later until their eyes met. She felt a different warmth spread through her body at the understanding in the older woman’s eyes, one that was comforted and grateful for her words.

“Thanks, Liv,” Amanda said with a tight smile. She knew Olivia was right, but the utterly disturbing nature of the case still lingered in her mind.

“Of course, Rollins,” Olivia said, smiling back at her. “Is there…anything else I can do for you?”

Amanda’s heart dropped at Olivia’s question. While she knew the other woman almost certainly meant it innocently, there was a glimmer in her eyes and an implication in her voice that made Amanda question her intentions.

Willing the slow-creeping blush down below the line of her shirt to where Olivia couldn’t see it, Amanda shook her head. “Nah, we just need to nail this bastard as soon as we can.”

“We will,” Olivia said with a determined nod and a small smile. “But we’ll start on it tomorrow.”

Amanda’s heart buoyed at Olivia’s confidence, and she felt the weight lift from her lungs as she stood up from her chair. The longer she stared at the other woman, though, the sharper the flashes of heat passing through her body became, until she could hardly stand to keep her eyes on Olivia.

“Right,” Amanda murmured, more to pull herself back to reality than to agree with Olivia. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Amanda crossed the room, each step away from Olivia driving the temptation to turn around and crash into the other woman’s arms higher and higher. She had just reached the door when Olivia’s voice caught her attention.

“I’ll walk out with you,” Olivia said, glancing up. Her eyes met Amanda’s just as her hand closed around the doorknob.

“Okay,” Amanda choked out, surprised at Olivia’s sudden willingness to put herself alone with Amanda. Much to her disappointment, the older woman had been subtly avoiding her at work since the day after the incident at the bar, their relationship little more than average, strictly professional interactions, until that evening.

She willed her body to stay calm as she gathered her belongings into her purse, then swung her jacket around her shoulders. The door to Olivia’s office swung shut behind her and she heard the soft _click, click, click_ of heels as the older woman approached. Amanda bent herself over her desk to dig around in her bag, making herself busy with anything that would give her a few more seconds before having to look up at Olivia.

But then she felt a hand grip her elbow softly and her body threatened to combust at the gentle contact. She spun around at the sensation, her mouth gaping open and a fierce blush rising up on her cheeks. Olivia’s eyes were wide with shock as stepped back quickly, almost falling, an apology flying from her lips before she’d regained her balance.

“It’s okay, Liv,” Amanda reassured the older woman with a smile and a shake of her head. Still, she was distracted and thrown off guard. The spot where Olivia had gripped her arm still burned despite the layers of clothing that had been between her skin and Olivia’s fingers. It sent heat radiating through her body, electricity buzzing up and down her spine as her heartbeat thudded in her ears.

_God_ , she wanted Olivia.

Ignoring the way her pulse still raced Amanda pushed away from her desk, hoisting her purse onto her shoulder. “Ready?”

Olivia fell into step beside her as they walked towards the elevator. A charged, tense silence hung between them. It was heavy with things understood but unsaid and Amanda was sure that Olivia’s mind was swirling with nearly the same thoughts as her own.

Olivia’s fingers brushed against her hand, hanging at her side, a few times as they approached the elevator. Each time, Amanda had to stop from yanking her hand away at the contact, and the electricity that she could swear sparked between Olivia’s skin and hers.

The thought of closing herself into the contained space of the elevator sent Amanda’s pulse skittering upwards again. Her fingers shook slightly as she raised her hand to call the car to their floor, and the small sigh she let out when she stepped back to wait came out as more of a whimper.

Amanda glanced at Olivia in her periphery. The older woman was digging around in her large purse for something. Needing something to distract herself, Amanda slid her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it, thumbing the first app icon she found. She scrolled through Twitter for a few seconds without paying attention, straining her ears for the _ding_ of the elevator arriving on the floor.

The doors slid open in front of them and Amanda stepped in first. Her eyes were still glued to her phone even as she turned to face the doors, but she heard Olivia step in behind her. The other woman didn’t turn around, and Amanda raised her eyes to Olivia’s face as the elevator doors closed behind her.

She had a moment to take in Olivia’s features, but it was long enough for Amanda to recognize the emotions and desires simmering just below the surface. The thoughts and feelings that had been pushed aside since the case had been brought to them earlier in the day rushed back, flooding Amanda until it felt like the very air was being squeezed from her lungs.

It only lasted a moment, though.

And then Olivia Benson was stepping towards her, wrapping her left hand around Amanda’s right hip and planting her right hand firmly on the wall of the elevator next to Amanda’s head. Their bodies were almost close enough to touch and Amanda ached at the proximity. The wall of the elevator was cool against her back but it wasn’t enough to slow the rising heat in the pit of her stomach. Her heart thudded and her breaths rasped loudly in the nearly-silent elevator and she was sure her pulse was loud enough for Olivia to hear.

Olivia leaned her head in, until her lips were only inches apart. Amanda hated the way her body reacted to the older woman’s presence but she couldn’t help the desire that she knew was flashing in her eyes. With bated breath, she slowly dropped her gaze from Olivia’s eyes down to the other woman’s mouth, wordlessly daring her to make the next move.

The ball was, after all, in Olivia’s court.

“Amanda….” The whisper was so quiet that Amanda could have thought she’d made it up, if not for the slight movement of Olivia’s lips.

The moment could have lasted a fleeing second or an eternity and Amanda wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. She only knew that it ended far too quickly when they were interrupted by the doors slowly opening onto the first floor of the precinct. Olivia let out a sharp sigh before screwing her eyes shut and spinning on her heel, leaving Amanda alone in the elevator.

Stunned, Amanda stayed frozen for a few moments, replaying what had just happened to make sure she hadn’t imagined everything. She shook her head to clear it. When she finally moved from the elevator she swung her head down the hall both ways, trying to find Olivia, but to no avail. The other woman must have practically run from the building after pinning Amanda to the wall and reading her soul through her eyes.

There was a slight chill in the air as Amanda stepped out of the precinct and onto the sidewalk. She was grateful for it, letting her eyes drift shut as she waited for the early fall night to cool down her burning mind and extinguish the fire racing through her veins. The encounter with Olivia in the elevator had her body on edge, every sensation threatening to overwhelm her.

Turning to make her way home, Amanda tried to swallow her feelings and forget what had just happened. It was up to Olivia to make the next move, and she had just stopped short of it. She didn’t want to admit that she was wrong, but even that was better than longing for someone she couldn’t have.

Amanda walked home in a daze, her mind oscillating between disappointment and unresolved longing. It wasn’t until she was turning the key in the lock to enter her apartment that her phone, long forgotten in her hand, buzzed twice, alerting her to a new text message. Her eyes flitted automatically to the name on the incoming message and her stomach dropped when she saw Olivia’s name in small, bold letters on the screen. With a shaking thumb, she opened the message.

The three short words enough to make her knees wobble, threateningly close to collapsing and letting her fall to the ground where she stood.

_you were right._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading through another chapter - I hope it was enjoyable! And a huge shoutout thank you to TheoreticalOnly and lalarandoms for being wonderful beta readers.  
> Comments and kudos always make my day and I would love to hear any other feedback you have - you can find me on Tumblr at the-procrastinatingfangirl! Your comments and excitement about the story so far have me impatiently waiting every week to post on Wednesday.


	4. i was a fool to think that i should stop you from undressing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is such a long chapter, but I hope it's worth both the length and the wait!

Olivia wasn’t what had caused the snapping in her chest during her conversation with Amanda. Maybe it was the raw honesty in the other woman’s voice. Maybe it was the clear vulnerability she was showing Olivia, an emotion that Amanda didn’t often display. Maybe it was the way Amanda’s words echoed her own deepest fears about raising a child in a dangerous world. She didn’t even know what it was that had snapped. She didn’t know, but whatever it was, it pushed an offer to walk out with the other woman from her throat before she’d even realized the words had formed in her mind.

The offer seemed to take Amanda by surprise, just as Olivia was shocked to hear the words slipping from her own mouth. She held her breath as she waited for Amanda’s response. Her single word of agreement was soft but a wave of relief washed over Olivia as Amanda pulled open the door.

Whatever it was, it also pushed her to reach out for Amanda’s arm. She had meant the gesture to be kind, a way to break some of the undeniable tension that had built between them. It was clear in their subtle avoidance of each other, in the way their eye contact never lingered for more than a moment, in the way they moved around each other with bated breath whenever they were forced to be less than a few feet apart.

Olivia wilted at Amanda’s reaction. She wasn’t expecting a warm embrace but her heart sunk when the other woman pulled her elbow from Olivia’s grip and spun around so violently. Olivia took in the stunned look on Amanda’s face. It was the only thing more searing than the burning tingle that was spreading from her fingertips all the way up her arm.

She stepped back suddenly, yanking her hand back and dropping her arm down to her side. Her movements were so quick that she stumbled backwards, catching herself on the desk behind her before she fell. A blush began to paint Amanda’s cheeks. Olivia felt the heat of fear pass through her at what she watched Amanda turn red with what she thought was anger. An apology burst from her lips before it was formed in her mind, and Olivia tried to push whatever it was that had shifted in her chest from her mind before they walked down the hall.

But she couldn’t.

Whatever it was, it was what pushed her to finally pin Amanda against the wall in the elevator. Her senses swam as Amanda’s perfume overpowered her. The other woman’s breaths came quick and shallow and the sound sent shivers raking up and down Olivia’s spine.

Olivia’s eyes met Amanda’s and she was suddenly aware of everything and nothing around them. The silence was deafening, broken only by their heavy breathing. Her fingers gripped Amanda’s hip in a way that Olivia was sure could leave bruises on the her pale skin. Still, she didn’t think she could hold her in a way that would express just how close she wanted to feel Amanda’s body pressed against her own. Her right hand started to curl into a fist, her fingertips pressing hard against the wood-paneled elevator.

Olivia fought the urge to close the small space between her body and Amanda completely. She tilted her head down instead, moving closer to Amanda’s, until they were only inches apart. She could feel the other woman’s warm breath against her skin, dancing over her lips until they tingled with a desire to be pressed against Amanda’s.

She watched Amanda’s eyes flick downwards. Her gaze traveled over Olivia’s lips and Olivia heard the breath catch in her throat. She could see the unspoken dare in her blue eyes when she raised them to meet Olivia’s again, and she was certain Amanda could hear the battle raging in her chest.

“Amanda…” Olivia whispered, her voice barely more than a breath. It sounded pathetic, almost pleading. The wall that she had tried so hard to maintain between them threatened to crack under the pressure of the other woman’s closeness. A small voice in the back of her head warned her against the move that she wanted to make next, but she was lost in the electric hold of Amanda’s bright eyes.

She wondered vaguely if she would ever want to leave.

Probably not.

The slow slide of the doors behind her broke Olivia from her trance. The world rushed back around her and she heaved a sharp sigh, squeezing her eyes shut. She willed her pulse to steady as she turned on her heel and moved quickly from the elevator.

It wasn’t like Olivia to run from things like danger and she scolded herself for starting now. Still, she didn’t slow down until her feet hit the sidewalk outside of the precinct. A slight breeze blew her hair around her face and she sucked in deep breaths of cool air, filling her lungs until they strained with the effort. She felt her heartbeat fall into a steady pattern but it still thudded heavily through every inch of her body.

The sidewalk was busy and a stream of harried commuters pressed around Olivia. She let herself be pulled into the crowd and shuffled along with the flow, never letting her guard down completely but allowing her thoughts to wander, almost running on autopilot. Her mind swirled with the events of the day and the past few weeks. Each moment her eyes had met Amanda’s flashed through her brain, and with each memory another wave of heat washed over her.

Olivia tried to ignore the way her body still tingled from Amanda’s presence. Every nerve ending was on fire and her fingers shook so hard she curled her hands into fists to still them. Her knees threatened to give way with every step. Even as she recounted her physical response to the other woman, her heart squeezed at the emotions she’d seen in those breathtaking blue eyes – the honesty, fear, vulnerability…the _desire_.

The resolve that she’d held so tightly to for two weeks was cracking. Olivia’s mind cycled through an endless loop of thoughts, reasons why she should and shouldn’t give in chasing each other around and around until she could barely hear herself think. With every rational thought of forgetting what had happened since leaving her office less than an hour earlier came an irrational justification for why she shouldn’t. Her mind flitted between potential outcomes, almost all of which ended badly for her and for Amanda. An impossible work environment, a loss of the trust and care that had turned the squad of officers into a family, being caught and transferred to another department or, worse, losing their shields. And those were only the tangible consequences. Her biggest fear was the heartbreak that she knew was always just around the corner.

But, god, if she didn’t want to tempt fate. The consequences would almost be worth it, even if for just one night with Amanda, to sate her desires and put out the fire that the other woman had set burning in her soul.

_Well_ , Olivia thought to herself as she neared her apartment building. Her desperate rationalizations against the decision she was on the brink of making were quickly turning into reasons for making it. After all, Amanda had never said anything about making the arrangement a permanent one. It _could_ be just once. And of course, she would keep her lingering feelings for Amanda locked down, just like she had been doing until that night in the bar.

Olivia wasn’t one to give in to vices or fall into too much temptation. She’d seen too much violence and ugliness in the world to lose control like that.

But maybe Amanda Rollins was different. Maybe she could afford to lose control and give in, just this once.

Olivia’s body seemed to make the decision for her. She was still lost in her thoughts when she felt her hand slipping into her purse, fishing around for her phone. Walking slowly up the path that led to her apartment building, Olivia held her phone in both hands. With shaking fingers, she pulled up her messages and scrolled through until she found Amanda’s name. Her text was only three short words, but it still took her half a dozen times to hit all the right letters. When she had finally typed out the correct message, her thumb hovered over the send button, hesitating for a few seconds before she finally pressed it.

_you were right_.

***

Olivia sat in a tense silence, alone with her thoughts. The bright green of the clock on the microwave flashed 9:16. She’d tried to flip through the TV for a while, but her mind was racing too fast for her to understand her own thoughts, let alone devote attention to anything else. So she sat on the couch and tried to relax, her pajama-clad legs tucked under her body and a glass of wine in one hand, as she counted the minutes until Amanda would arrive.

Their conversation following Olivia’s admission had been short, to the point. She’d expected a teasing response to her admission, but Amanda had only shot back two words.

_I know_.

Olivia had hesitated, unsure of what to say next, of how to ask for what she needed – she was already well past wanting. She stared at the screen of her phone until the light faded and the device locked. The cycle repeated three more times until she managed to string together a response.

_so…is your offer still on the table?_

Olivia could hear the chuckle Amanda would let out at her question, and she was suddenly grateful that they weren’t having this conversation in person. It was hard enough to get a proper message typed out; she didn’t want to think about how hard it would be to say any of it aloud.

_If you want it to be._

_Fuck, Amanda_ , Olivia thought to herself. She was making Olivia work for it. Half of her hated it, hated herself for going along with it. The other half of her felt her body temperature rise at Amanda’s teasing.

_yes._

Olivia gritted her teeth before typing out another message.

_9:30?_

Her phone had buzzed less than a minute later, Amanda’s agreement standing out boldly against the bright background of the screen.

_I’ll be there_.

She had read and reread the conversation countless times in the few hours that had passed, even though she was sure she could recite it word for word without a second thought. Desperate for anything to take her mind off what was coming, she pulled at a loose string that hung from the hem of her pajama shirt and checked her phone for the thousandth time that evening.

9:28.

The knock on her door pulled Olivia from her thoughts. She stood nervously and set her wine down on the table before walking to the door slowly. Her hand reached for the doorknob but she hesitated for a moment.

Olivia had been in this position before, close to crossing a line that couldn’t be uncrossed. Trying to give herself a few more moments to calm down, as if she didn’t know exactly who would be standing there, Olivia pressed an eye to the peephole. It backfired when she saw Amanda standing on the other side of the door, rocking back on her heels and looking almost nervous. The heat that had been pooling low in Olivia’s stomach flared at the sight of the other woman, and Olivia realized she wasn’t close to crossing the line.

She was throwing herself over it with reckless abandon.

Her fingers wrapped around the doorknob and she twisted, holding her breath as light from the hallway spilled into her apartment and illuminated the dimly-lit space.

Amanda was standing just beyond the threshold. The look of near-nervousness that she’d worn a few seconds before was gone. Her lips were drawn into the smirk that Olivia had come to expect, but that still made her weak in the knees. She’d already taken off her jacket and held it loosely in her hands. Her hair was tied back at the base of her neck. A white t-shirt hung from her shoulders and black leggings hugged her slim, strong frame.

She looked soft, beautiful, and in that moment, Olivia could have been content if she was never able to gaze at another woman in that way for the rest of her life.

“Amanda. Hey,” Olivia said once she found her voice again. Her words quiet and hoarse. She couldn’t verbalize more of a welcome than that, so she flashed Amanda a smile instead. After a moment, she stepped aside and gestured for the other woman to come in.

Amanda’s shoulder brushed across Olivia’s chest as she passed by. Her knees wobbled once more, threatening to give out, as a shudder passed through her body. She swore she heard Amanda chuckle in response before her senses were clouded as a haze of Amanda’s perfume surrounded her.

Olivia watched as Amanda made her way further into the apartment, letting her gaze wander slowly over Amanda’s body. Her eyes ran across the pale skin that peeked out at the top of her shirt and she bit back a moan. The black leggings Amanda wore hugged her ass and Olivia’s mouth went dry as her eyes swept over it.

Amanda stopped just short of the living room. Olivia stopped a few feet behind her and hesitated, watching as she tossed her jacket over the couch and turned back towards Olivia. Her lips were still pulled into a knowing, teasing smirk that mirrored the one she’d worn at the bar.

That night seemed so long ago now, but Olivia realized that this outcome had been as inevitable then as it felt now.

“Do you, um, do you want a glass of wine?” Olivia offered, gesturing vaguely to the living room behind Amanda where her glass stood on the table. She was unsure of what else to say. She didn’t know what conversation they were supposed to have, if they were supposed to say anything at all.

Amanda answered Olivia with another chuckle and a slight shake of her head. Her eyes never left Olivia’s as she covered the distance between them in a few steps. Olivia felt hands on her hips, gripping and pushing her back against the wall. Amanda had her pinned in place, but she wouldn’t have moved even if she could.

She didn’t want to.

For the second time that day, Olivia was barely inches from Amanda. All she had to do to press her lips against Amanda’s would be tilt her head downwards a few inches. The air between them was heavy, charged with an electricity that danced across Olivia’s skin. She let herself get lost in Amanda’s eyes.

The blue pools sparkled in the half-dark of the apartment, caution and desire caught in a blazing dance with each other. Caution won out and Amanda faltered.

“Are you sure?” The words were barely more than a breath but they seemed to echo throughout the apartment.

Olivia responded wordlessly, the only way she could think to respond. A second after the whisper faded to silence Olivia dipped her head, closing the space between them and pressing her lips against Amanda’s. It was short and soft but it left a blazing promise in Olivia’s mind.

Amanda pulled back a fraction of an inch and Olivia let out a shaky sigh into the space between them. Olivia opened her eyes slowly. Amanda’s glimmered back at her and Olivia recognized the same battle there that was happening in her own chest.

The realization jolted Olivia and she felt her emotions rising, threatening to break over the walls she had constructed around them. Her throat tightened. She couldn’t let herself believe that Amanda was facing the same war between head and heart that was being waged between her own.

In the next moment, though, the battle in Amanda’s eyes shifted. Any hesitation Olivia had found there was replaced by a fiery burn of understanding and a dancing shadow of desire. The change fueled Olivia’s resolve.

“I’m sure,” she muttered. Her voice was low, laced with a steely edge that almost made her wince.

Then Amanda’s lips were on hers again and _god_ if it wasn’t close to the most earth-shattering thing Olivia Benson had ever experienced.

The kiss was everything the first kiss wasn’t. Amanda’s lips were bruising against hers, and Olivia felt her fingers tightening around her hips. Olivia’s hands move without a thought, one threading through Amanda’s hair and the other pressed to the small of her back, holding Amanda against her.

Amanda shifted, biting at Olivia’s bottom lip and pulling a moan from deep in her chest. She felt Amanda’s tongue slid across her lip, soothing where she had bitten and asking for access all at once. The kiss deepened as Olivia readily parted her lips at the intrusion.

Waves of heat crashed over Olivia and her hips started to move, desperate for more of the woman pressed against her. Passion and the desire for release overwhelmed her body. Amanda had awakened a primal _need_ in her, a need that had been building for a long time and that had been coaxed out of its slumber that night in the bar. She had been on the brink of combustion before, and Amanda was providing the exact catalyst she needed.

Olivia felt Amanda’s fingers loosen their grip on her hips. She moaned quietly in protest at the loss of pressure, the sound swallowed in Amanda’s kiss. The moan turned into a whimper a moment later when she felt Amanda drag her fingertips lightly upwards. She slipped them under the hem of Olivia’s t-shirt, leaving a trail of goosebumps at the contact.

She needed more.

Olivia didn’t realize how hard she was pushing back against Amanda until they had moved across the apartment and she had the other woman pinned against the bedroom door. She leaned her weight against the other woman’s body, lips still on Amanda’s as their tongues continued their dance. A whimper escaped Amanda’s lips when Olivia grabbed at her hips, holding her in place, before slipping her right hand under her shirt. She ran her fingertips lightly up Amanda’s stomach, delighting in the shudder that she felt pass through the other woman’s body.

Olivia spread her hand over the soft, warm skin of Amanda’s ribcage. She traced the curve of Amanda’s bra with her thumb before covering her breast with her palm and squeezing it lightly. Amanda let out a whimper that was cut short by a gasp when Olivia pinched her nipple between her thumb and finger.

The sound burned through Olivia, a lightning strike that kept her rooted to the spot.

Her lips were still moving against Amanda’s, forsaking air to drink in the taste of the other woman. She reached her left hand out to grasp blindly for the doorknob. Amanda’s fingers closed around hers, stilling her movements.

“Liv,” Amanda murmured, pulling her hand away and placing it on Olivia’s chest, over her heart. She knew Amanda would be able to feel it pounding against her fingertips.

Olivia pulled back an inch, her eyes searching for Amanda’s. It was darker than in the entryway and shadows danced across Amanda’s face. Olivia raised her eyebrows questioningly, hoping to mask the worry that was quickly rising at the blonde’s sudden hesitation.

Had she really made a misstep already?

“We can…we can stop if you want. We don’t have to do this,” she said, biting her bottom lip between her teeth. Olivia wasn’t sure if the flash of disappointment in Amanda’s eyes was genuine, or simply a reflection of her own.

“Shut up,” Olivia responded, muttering the words against Amanda’s lips before recapturing them with her own. She was long past any thought of turning back, unless Amanda asked her to. She turned the doorknob and opened the door slowly behind Amanda. Moving with a patience that sent the flames burning in her stomach billowing to new heights, Olivia waked Amanda backwards into the bedroom and closed the door behind her with a soft _click_.

Amanda pressed back against her suddenly, pinning Olivia to the door this time. Olivia struggled against the urge to fight back, instead letting Amanda take the lead.

Amanda’s fingers found their way back under the hem of Olivia’s shirt. She dragged the material upward slowly, brushing her fingertips along Olivia’s stomach as she moved. Obeying without being commanded, Olivia lifted her arms and pulled the shirt from her body, throwing it to the floor. Amanda’s fingertips circled around to her back, unhooking her bra and tossing it to the floor with her shirt.

Olivia shuddered as goosebumps exploded across her skin wherever Amanda touched her. Her fingertips were brushing over her sides, fingernails dragging sharp lines down her spine, palms pressing against her breasts before squeezing them, pinching and rolling her nipples between her fingers. The growing heat between her legs throbbed and Olivia moaned into the darkness.

“ _Fuck_ , Amanda,” Olivia whined. She unconsciously thrust her hips forward again, desperately seeking friction.

It earned her a chuckle in response before Amanda shifted, pulling her head to the side and peppering kisses along Olivia’s jawline. She nipped at her earlobe before whispering, “Oh, I plan to, sweetheart.”

Amanda continued her movements, planting a trail of wet kisses down her neck. Olivia sighed with each new contact.

The world could have exploded around Olivia and it still would have seemed cold compared to the fire burning in her body. Amanda had barely even _touched_ her and she was already falling to pieces.

In another feat of mind-reading, Amanda gripped Olivia’s hips and turned her around again, pushing her back towards the bed. Her lips only left Olivia’s for her to slip her own t-shirt and bra from her shoulders.

Olivia sat heavily on the bed and stared at the sight before her, almost in awe. Amanda’s eyes were bright, her cheeks flushed. Her chest heaved as her breaths came in gasps that echoed Olivia’s. Her hair, in slight disarray from having Olivia’s fingers tangled in it, framed her face.

She was beautiful. Olivia felt so privileged to be able to see her that way.

She pushed the implications of her thought aside and reached out for Amanda’s hand, yanking the other woman towards her. Amanda stood between Olivia’s thighs and Olivia tilted her head forwards, wanting nothing more than to press her lips against the expanse of pale skin in front of her.

Amanda had other ideas, though, and Olivia felt a firm pressure on her shoulders as the other woman pushed her down onto the bed. Amanda directed her movements until her head was on the pillows. The other woman knelt between her spread legs, blue eyes roving lecherously over Olivia’s half-naked body.

Amanda shifted so that she was straddling Olivia’s waist. Olivia could feel the heat emanating from her core as it pressed against her stomach. Her hands went to Amanda’s hips and held tight, pressing her down slightly against her. Amanda’s eyes fluttered shut and she let out a soft sigh as her body rocked into the contact, grinding even harder against Olivia’s stomach.

Amanda planted her hands on either side of Olivia’s head, then bent over to capture her lips in another bruising kiss. One hand wandered over the curves and valleys of Olivia’s body, pulling a string of sighs from her throat. She pulled her lips from Olivia’s before long, letting her mouth replace her hands in exploring her body.

Each kiss Amanda pressed to her body set another fire blazing on her skin. Olivia felt Amanda’s teeth close over her hardened nipple, the sensation sending white-hot sparks buzzing straight to her core. She heard herself cry the other woman’s name towards the ceiling, followed by string of half-curses d as Amanda sucked on a patch of skin. It was hard enough that Olivia knew a bruise would blossom in the space by the next morning.

She didn’t care. Those marks would be easy enough to hide, and they’d fade before long. Olivia wasn’t sure about the marks she knew Amanda was leaving on her heart.

A fingertip running lightly down her stomach pushed all rational thought from Olivia’s mind. Amanda knelt up slightly, slipping her hand down between their bodies. Olivia felt Amanda’s palm pressed between her legs as she continued to work her teeth and tongue over Olivia’s chest. Olivia cried out again at the sensations overwhelming her body, fisting her hands in Amanda’s hair and holding her head to her chest. Amanda had shifted her attention to Olivia’s other nipple and was swirling her tongue around the hard nub, occasionally biting it and sending shockwaves straight to the spot Amanda’s fingers were torturously exploring.

Amanda shifted above her, pulling back to give herself better access to Olivia’s center and meeting Olivia’s gaze. Her eyes were dark with arousal and the sight was almost as erotic as what Amanda’s fingers were doing between her legs. The pressure was just soft enough to be teasing rather than relieving and Olivia protested wordlessly, her hips rolling and thrusting in search of more friction. The seam of her pajama pants offered no relief and she pushed her hips towards Amanda, begging wordlessly.

“Impatient, Liv?” Amanda teased, murmuring the words against Olivia’s collarbone before nipping at the skin there.

“Fuck, Amanda,” Olivia groaned in response. Amanda testing her patience was nothing new, but the blonde detective was slowly crossing the line from teasing to tormenting.

Amanda trailed slow kisses over Olivia’s skin, between her breasts and down her stomach. She ran her tongue lightly over the skin peeking out from beneath the waistband of her pajama pants before hooking her thumbs under the elastic and pulling suddenly. Her whole body rocked back as she pulled the clothing from Olivia’s body, taking her panties with it and leaving her completely naked.

Amanda settled between Olivia’s legs. She leaned in teasingly, pressing a soft kiss to her center. Olivia rocked into the contact but Amanda pulled her lips away. Instead she turned to Olivia’s legs, alternating between sides as she pressed light kisses down then back up her thighs. She pressed another soft kiss to Olivia’s wet slit when she reached the apex of her thighs.

“Amanda, _please_ ,” Olivia whimpered. The plea sounded pathetic to her own ears but she felt no shame in her desperation for the other woman’s touch. Her body ached for release and every point of contact between her skin and Amanda’s was another source of heat to flood through her veins.

“Please what?” Her voice was low and dangerous with a note of a promise of what was to come. Olivia shuddered at the tone. It pushed any aggravation at Amanda’s taunts from her mind.

“Just _fuck_ me already, Amanda. _Please_!” Olivia had never heard herself beg quite like Amanda was driving her to do.

Amanda seemed satisfied with the answer. She moaned softly against Olivia’s core, the sound vibrating through her whole body. Her tongue separated Olivia’s slick folds, drawing a needy moan from Olivia’s chest. She licked slowly up the length of Olivia’s slit, pressing the tip of her tongue hard against her clit.

Olivia shuddered at the sensation, reaching down and threading her fingers through Amanda’s hair. Amanda moved slowly at first, pressing her tongue firmly against Olivia’s clit. She was torturing Olivia in the sweetest way and she soon had her shaking as the pleasure built.

“Oh god, Amanda,” Olivia moaned. Her pants became ragged and more desperate as she felt herself flying towards the edge of orgasm. The hand that wasn’t threaded through Amanda’s hair grasped at the mattress below her.

Olivia arched her back away from the mattress, crying out Amanda’s name as her orgasm washed over her. Amanda’s tongue didn’t slow as Olivia rode out her orgasm, until Olivia almost pulled away from the assault to her sensitive clit. When she did slow, though, it was only for a moment.

Raising her head to meet Olivia’s eyes in the dark, Amanda fucked her fingers into her with no further warning. Her lips returned to Olivia’s clit, sucking at the sensitive nub. Olivia shouted her name into the dark room again as one hand flew to her mouth too late to muffle the sound. Her other hand fisted tighter in Amanda’s hair as the other woman’s fingers moved deep inside her.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, stars exploding across her vision with every thrust of Amanda’s fingers.

Olivia felt herself spiraling upwards again after a few minutes of Amanda fucking her. Her legs started to shake again and she moaned happily, but Amanda pulled away from her clit before the noise faded to silence. Olivia had a half-conjured protest on her tongue, but Amanda silenced it with another kiss. She tasted herself on Amanda’s lips and sighed into it.

Amanda’s fingers were still working inside her, and then the pad of Amanda’s thumb was pressing against her clit.

A sharp cry tore from Olivia’s lips at the sensation before she could bite it back. Amanda’s motions were steady and relentless, thrusting faster with each passing second. Olivia writhed against the mattress, arching her back and grabbing at the sheets with the hand that wasn’t entangled in Amanda’s blonde hair.

Never letting her hand slow, Amanda shifted until her lips hovered over the older woman’s chest. She rolled her tongue over her nipple then bit it lightly. Olivia’s breath came in short, ragged bursts as a steady stream of Amanda’s name blended with various profanities she was normally loathe to speak fell from her lips.

“Oh- _fu_ -Amanda- _fuck_ -oh, right _there_ , _please--_ ”

Olivia stretched out her hands, grasping for Amanda, for something solid to hold onto as the other woman sent her spiraling to heights she didn’t know she could possibly reach. Her fingernails dug into Amanda’s skin, knowing she would leave crescent-shaped indents but reveling in the whimpering sigh that escaped the other woman’s lips at the sharp pressure.

She felt the familiar curl of heat in her stomach as her legs started to shake. Amanda’s fingers thrusted rhythmically inside Olivia, curving and twisting, hitting spots that she didn’t even know existed. The quivering pressure that signaled her release started to build, low in her core then spreading throughout her body.

“I want you to come for me again, Olivia.”

The demand was enough to push her over the edge. Olivia felt herself tightening around Amanda’s fingers just before she came undone completely. She squeezed her thighs together as she rode out her orgasm, Amanda’s hand trapped between her legs. The room was silent around them for a few moments as Olivia came down from her high.

Amanda extricated herself from Olivia’s grip, settling back on her knees on the bed next to her. She immediately missed the pressure of the other woman against her body. The next second, she felt a soft hand caress her cheek.

“Hey, look at me, Liv,” Amanda murmured. Olivia didn’t know what surprised her more – the softness of the other woman’s voice or the fact that Olivia’s eyes had been closed. She shifted her gaze to meet Amanda’s. Her bright blue eyes were barely visible in the dark of the room, but Olivia could see the flicker of concern that danced there. “Are you okay?”

Olivia nearly melted at the question. It was asked so softly, in a way that was so unexpected, that it pushed the sting of tears to her eyes.

No, no, _no_.

It was all too soft, too intimate; she was too open before the other woman, almost asking Amanda to make a home in her heart that she would simply leave empty and abandoned later. It was too much and she was too close to the edge, to falling into something she wasn’t sure she would be able to leave.

Olivia gathered what strength she had to not come undone completely in front of Amanda. She formed it into a mask of desire, her eyes blazing and her heart continuing to pound in her chest as she reached out for the other woman. She grasped Amanda’s hips and pushed until Olivia was on top of her, straddling her waist and staring down at her.

Olivia fell forward heavily, her hands on either side of Amanda’s head. Her hair swung down, closing off their faces behind the brunette curtain. She could make out the glint of Amanda’s eyes in the dark and it made her heart stutter. Olivia pressed another kiss to Amanda’s lips, taking her bottom lip between her teeth and nipping lightly before running her tongue over it. The taste of the other woman drove all distractions from Olivia’s mind, replacing it with a need for more.

No longer content with leaving Amanda’s skin unexplored, Olivia trailed kisses along her jaw and down her neck. Her teeth nipped at the base of Amanda’s throat before mirroring the same path up to Amanda’s other cheek. Each time Olivia’s mouth touched Amanda’s skin, the blonde shuddered.

Olivia felt her patience waning as she kissed slowly down Amanda’s breast. The other woman gasped when Olivia’s lips closed around her nipple, and the whimper that she let out when Olivia swirled her tongue around the hard nub sent sparks of desire buzzing down Olivia’s spine. Still, she kept her movements slow and deliberate. Every sigh and sound of pleasure that Amanda made pushed her own pleasure higher and she savored each one.

Leaving red marks in her wake, Olivia kissed and sucked a line to Amanda’s other nipple. At the same time, her hand drifted down Amanda’s stomach, over the waistband of her leggings, and straight to her center. Olivia could feel the heat radiating from the spot. The fabric was damp and Olivia moaned her approval against Amanda’s chest.

Olivia’s movements were still calculated as she shifted backwards, parting Amanda’s thighs and kneeling between her legs. She resumed her exploration of Amanda’s body. She traced her tongue down Amanda’s chest, leaving a trail of wet kisses down her smooth stomach. Olivia was entranced by the warmth of her soft skin and she couldn’t stop her hands from running over every inch of Amanda that she could reach – her thighs, her ribs, her shoulders, her chest, _god_ the sounds she made when Olivia pinched her nipples between her fingers.

Olivia slid Amanda’s leggings slowly down her body, letting them fall to the floor at the end of the bed as she turned her gaze back to the now-naked woman in front of her. She was torn between continuing to draw out the scene for as possible and pushing Amanda to the edge as fast as she could get there. Her desire won out as she traced her fingertips back up the outside of Amanda’s legs. Olivia grasped Amanda’s hips, yanking the other woman towards her.

Olivia planted her left hand on the mattress next to Amanda. She leaned forward, running her right forefinger through the slick heat between Amanda’s legs. Olivia heard Amanda moan her name as her fingertip passed over her clit, a desperate prayer let out into the darkness around them.

Circling her finger around Amanda’s clit, Olivia watched as the other woman’s body reacted to her ministrations. Her eyes had fluttered shut at the soft pressure, her torso visibly quivering with each pass of Olivia’s fingertip. One hand grasped at the mattress beside her. The other had wrapped around Olivia’s wrist, the warmth of the contact soon burning against Olivia’s skin.

“Fuck, Olivia, please,” Amanda hissed, gripping Olivia’s wrist tighter. Her fingernails dug into the sensitive skin there but Olivia didn’t care. She responded by dropping her fingers, pressing them against Amanda’s entrance.

Her fingers slide inside easily, drawing a high-pitched moan from Amanda. As she started to slowly thrust her fingers in and out, Olivia bent down, lowering her mouth to Amanda’s slick folds. She slowly slid her tongue through the wetness, reveling in the taste of the other woman and the sounds she made when Olivia’s tongue pressed firmly against her clit.

Amanda’s breath came in shallow gasps as Olivia thrust her fingers faster. Olivia felt Amanda’s hands fist at the back of her head, pulling her hair tight and holding her in place, not that Olivia felt even the slightest inclination to move from her position. The sounds she was coaxing out of the other woman, sounds she’d never heard from anyone, sounds she’d never thought she’d get to hear from Amanda Rollins, were enough to hold her there forever.

Olivia’s tongue and fingers moved in time with each other. She twisted and curled her fingers inside Amanda, rhythmically moving her tongue against her clit first in one direction, then the other. Every time Amanda’s body started to shake towards the edge of release Olivia changed her pattern. She wanted this to last forever, to draw out Amanda’s pleasure and to record every moment in her memory so that she would never forget it.

Amanda’s hips rocked against Olivia’s mouth. Olivia slid her arm under Amanda’s leg, wrapping around her thigh and holding her still. She sucked Amanda’s clit into her mouth, lashing her tongue over the sensitive bundle. Amanda gasped at each movement, the sounds spurring Olivia on faster.

“Oh, Liv,” Amanda chanted, the repetition broken every few seconds by a gasp or a whispered ‘ _fuck_.’ She shifted against the mattress, arching her back. Olivia felt shivers pass through Amanda’s body as her thighs started to shake. “Oh, god, Olivia, please don’t stop, _please-_ -”

Amanda tightened around Olivia’s fingers and she let out a high-pitched cry. She shuddered, her thighs clenching around Olivia’s head as her orgasm rippled through her body. Olivia continued to work her fingers in and out of Amanda, her tongue still moving softly over Amanda’s clit, until she felt Amanda’s hands pushing her head away and her body going limp against the mattress.

Olivia felt Amanda watching her as she leaned back onto her heels. She brought her fingers to her mouth and cleaned them off slowly, enjoying the slight voyeurism of her behavior in a way she’d never appreciated before. When she was finished, she slid up Amanda’s body and pressed a kiss to her lips.

“Hmm,” Amanda hummed against Olivia’s lips. “Guess you weren’t the only one who needed that. Thanks.” She let out a laugh.

The word of appreciation struck Olivia and she pulled back. “You’re…welcome?” She knew her voice revealed the confusion and nervousness that was bubbling up in her mind.

Amanda just laughed again, pulling further away from Olivia and sliding up in the bed. She leaned away from Olivia and the next moment the lamp on her nightstand turned on. The light cast over the bed from the lamp was dim, but it was enough for Olivia to see Amanda’s eyes clearly for the first time since they had walked through the bedroom door.

“So…what now?” Olivia hated the way her words sounded weak and small in the depths of the darkness that lurked just beyond the small ring of lamplight.

She could see her own unspoken thoughts reflecting in Amanda’s gaze for a moment before the other woman’s eyes shifted. The softness in the blue pools hardened, pushing away the uncertainty and desire as Amanda’s cool veneer returned.

“Now you shouldn’t be so _distracted_ ,” Amanda teased, raising her eyebrows and shifting even further away from Olivia. “And now you know where to go the next time you need a little… _help_.”

Amanda said the last word with a wink, then sat up completely. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, quickly grabbing her clothes from around the room and setting them on the end of Olivia’s bed to get dressed.

“Oh,” Olivia murmured. She shifted in the bed, eyes following Amanda as the other woman moved. She moved too after a few moments, swinging her legs around and perching on the edge of the bed. She tried to quell the disappointment rising in her chest – Olivia hadn’t expected the night to end any other way, but the squeezing pain gripping her heart was a little worse than she’d expected. She tried to think of words to stop Amanda, and a reason for speaking them, but she couldn’t.

Amanda turned back to Olivia once she was dressed. The teasing smirk had returned, and the mischievous spark that Olivia had come to know well over the past few weeks danced in her eyes again. She stepped back towards Olivia, coming to a stop right in front of where she sat on the bed.

Olivia gasped as Amanda bent down over her, bringing her lips close to Olivia’s ear. The scent of her perfume mingled with the smell of sex and the combination overwhelmed Olivia. Her eyes drifted shut and she unconsciously rolled her head to the side, allowing Amanda to lean in even closer.

“And _now_ ,” Amanda whispered, her warm breath tickling as it skittered across Olivia’s skin, “now I go home.”

Amanda pressed a kiss to the sensitive spot just beneath Olivia’s earlobe. Olivia shuddered as the other woman straightened up and stepped back, her body betraying her and leaning forward, seeking Amanda’s warmth.

Olivia sat frozen until Amanda turned towards the door. Finally forcing herself to move, she slipped out of bed and tugged an oversized sweatshirt over her shoulders. She followed Amanda through the apartment, trying to make sense of the cloud of emotions swirling through her mind. Amanda turned around once she reached the front door. Still lost in thought, Olivia crashed into her. Before she could pull back and apologize, Amanda had wrapped her arms around Olivia’s waist and was pressing another bruising kiss to her lips.

“G’night, Liv,” Amanda murmured when she pulled away and cut the kiss far shorter than Olivia had hoped. “See you tomorrow.”

Olivia stood there, dazed, as Amanda slipped through the doorway. The _click_ as the latch slid into place echoed throughout the now-silent apartment. It felt huge and hollow around her, leaving her alone with the whirlwind of thoughts spinning through her mind. She still felt Amanda’s last kiss on her lips, leaving a ghost of a promise of a next time.

What had just _happened_?

She’d given in to Amanda’s offer. More than that, she wanted it to happen again. Even more than that, Olivia couldn’t quite remember why she’d been so hesitant to give in in the first place.

Olivia made her way slowly back to her bedroom on shaking legs. She tried to sort through the emotions threatening to overwhelm her body as she redressed herself, but gave up as she headed for her bathroom. She leaned against the counter as she brushed her teeth, her back to the mirror.

She didn’t think she could bring herself to meet her own eyes, too worried that she'd see the beginning of a dangerous addiction swirling in the warm brown depths.

Olivia stared up at the dark ceiling half an hour later, stretched out on her back in bed. The scent of Amanda’s perfume lingered on the pillows around her the same way that the paths her fingertips and tongue had traced over Olivia’s skin lingered there.

Olivia’s last thought as she faded into sleep was that it may have all been a dream.

She wasn’t sure if she wanted it to be or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I didn't mean for the chapter to get quite so long, but I hope you liked it anyway.  
> Thank you all for all of your comments and encouragement on this story. I am so glad you're enjoying it! I always appreciate feedback so if you loved it or hated it, please let me know - you can find me on Tumblr at the-procrastinatingfangirl!  
> A big thank you to Lalarandoms for being a great beta reader!


	5. how did it all change when i felt your touch?

_The room was bright, warm sunlight streaming through the window. Olivia blinked against the golden glow a few times before she could keep her eyes open. The first thing she noticed was Amanda’s silhouette on the pillow next to her, sleeping peacefully. She stirred when Olivia shifted towards her, wrapping her arm around Olivia’s waist and pulling her even closer._

_“Five more minutes,” Amanda murmured sleepily before pressing a light kiss to Olivia’s collarbone._

_Heat flared through Olivia at the contact and she gasped-_

Olivia’s eyes flew open. She was almost surprised to feel her bed empty and see the room still dark. Almost disappointed, too.

 _Just a dream_ , she chided herself, even her inner voice annoyed at her reaction.

Still, the skin on her chest where dream-Amanda had just pressed her lips tingled as if she had actually been there. A whisper of her perfume lingered on the pillow that Olivia held tightly to her body; she didn’t remember taking it in her arms during the night. She still throbbed for the other woman’s touch and she could still feel the way Amanda had tightened around her fingers as she sang Olivia’s name to the ceiling.

A wave of arousal washed over Olivia, driving the dream from her mind completely. She moaned unconsciously then sat up, the heat receding from her body and pooling deep in her stomach. She stretched, reaching for her phone and glancing at the screen.

Olivia scrolled slowly through the few notifications, ignoring the voice at the back of her mind that scolded her for the way her stomach dropped again with each alert that wasn’t from Amanda. Just like the other woman’s departure the night before, she hadn’t expected anything else – was Amanda supposed to text her _hey, thanks again for the orgasm_?

Rolling her eyes at herself, Olivia scoffed off the last of the disappointment in her chest. She shut off her alarm, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep before it went off in twenty minutes. Instead, she slid from the mattress and walked into the bathroom. She hoped a long shower would help clear her head.

Olivia entered the bathroom slowly, cautiously. She turned the lights on by memory, keeping her gaze on the spot where she knew the handle of the shower door would materialize as soon as the room was illuminated. She turned away from the mirror again, moving to the shower and turning the water on without glancing behind her. Cool air danced over her skin as she slipped her pajamas from her body, raising goosebumps across her arms and legs. Squeezing her eyes shut, Olivia turned slowly towards the mirror. She sighed, forcing air through her tight throat, before her eyes drifted open slowly.

Evidence of the night before blossomed across her chest in a collage of reds and purples, spaced here and there across her breasts. A fresh bruise curved where her neck met her shoulder, left behind by Amanda’s teeth. Olivia pushed the rush of arousal away, trying to force herself to focus on the fact that she now had to  _hide_ it.

Olivia stepped closer to the counter, staring at her reflection and running her fingertips lightly over her chest. The sensation sent shivers down her spine, mingled with the buzz of excitement that came as she remembered Amanda leaving each mark on her skin. She traced over each bruise before she finally tore her gaze from the mirror and turned back to the shower.

The water was cold when Olivia stepped under the spray. It knocked the air from her lungs, goosebumps popping up across her skin again. She shuddered but tilted her head back under the stream, closing her eyes and letting the icy water run down her face. It was almost painful but Olivia was grateful for the clarity that the chill water gave as it cut through the haze of her thoughts.

Olivia stood under the stream of cold water until her whole body shivered and she found herself rubbing her hands over her upper arms for warmth. She turned the water up, feeling the temperature rise against her skin. It climbed from warm to hot slowly, then stopped just short of being unbearable. Before long, steam began to rise and curl towards the ceiling.

Olivia relaxed into the now-hot water. She knew she would have to face the consequences of the previous night’s actions, and the emotions they had send swirling through her mind, sooner or later. Her eyes fluttered shut and she sighed, settling on _later_. For the moment, she wanted to enjoy the hot water and the newfound lightness in her body, even though she knew she’d have to deal with _that_ soon too. She finally quieted her thoughts, letting her mind go blank as she showered on auto-pilot.

Olivia stepped out of the shower half an hour later, wrapping herself in a towel and moving towards the mirror. The bathroom was clogged with steam, the mirror fogged over completely. She wiped a small circle clear in the center, just large enough for her to take in her own reflection, and stared at herself.

For the first time that morning she let herself focus on her body rather than her memories. She stretched slowly, realizing that the tension she’d been carrying around for weeks had melted from her body overnight. She felt better, but more than that. She felt… _different_. The burning, throbbing ache that had been building deep in her very being was gone.

She had to admit that Amanda had been right, more than Olivia had been expecting.

While commitment was more her style, Olivia had experienced her fair share of relatively short-lived flings and brief relationships that revolved more around a physical connection than an emotional one. They happened mostly out of desperation, the same desperation that Amanda had seen in Olivia and pulled out into the open that night in the bar. They were usually enough to stave off the feelings for a while, but they always built back up after a while.

But she’d never been as thoroughly satisfied as she was that morning, after Amanda’s touch, after feeling Amanda writhing against her.  She felt like she’d been reset somehow. It was a new feeling, and she fucking _loved_ it.

She wanted to feel it again.

Olivia’s eyebrows knitted together in a frown as she considered the implications of her thoughts. Despite her feeble pep talks the night before, she hadn’t been foolish enough to think it wasn’t a possibility that she’d feel like this, like the sex had been more than just a fuck. Pretty much the opposite – she’d known it was a likelihood, although she couldn’t admit that to herself through the haze of need that had hung over her for so long.

In the clear light of the morning, though, she realized that her feelings were much more complex than that. Amanda had touched more than her body. Something felt right in her chest, too, something that she didn’t think anyone else had ever reached.

Realizing she sounded like a clichéd rom-com star, even to herself, Olivia scoffed and turned away from the mirror. She moved through her bedroom, slipping back into auto-pilot to get ready for the day.

It wasn’t until she stood in front of the bathroom mirror again, giving herself a last once-over, that reality and then logic hit her almost simultaneously. The sting of Amanda’s abrupt departure the night before came first, but the wave of pain was followed by one of reasoning. As much as she’d wanted Amanda to stay, maybe the emotionlessness with which she’d left was Olivia’s chance. It was, after all, just sex to the other woman, something she’d offered again, if Olivia so chose.

Why couldn’t it happen again?

Oliva held onto the calm, satisfied feeling that she’d had since waking up. Maybe, if she tried hard enough, she could convince herself that it was purely physical. That the lightness in her chest was only because the weight of the stress she was always under had been temporarily lifted. That it was a result of the dam inside of her finally breaking, and not because it had been Amanda to break it. She’d pushed her feelings for Amanda away before – she could do it this time, too.

The debate raged dully in her mind as she moved through the rest of her morning. Olivia knew she would be playing with fire, but she also knew it would useless to try to convince herself she didn’t want to feel Amanda’s skin on hers again. She had made up her mind long before the sharp click of her front door closing behind her broke the silence in the hallway. The sound only solidified her decision, etching it across her mind in bold, burning letters.

Olivia made her way to work quickly. She’d filed away most of the morning’s thoughts, holding onto only the reasonable ones. Still, her mind spun with thoughts of Amanda and a thousand ways the conversation she wanted to have could play out. She didn’t know if Amanda would even be receptive to talking to her, but she knew she had to at least try.

Her mind changed so fast she gave herself mental whiplash as soon as she walked into the squad room.

Amanda was seated at her desk, staring at something on her computer. The blonde didn’t see Olivia as she walked in and she took a moment to just watch her. Her blue eyes drifted back and forth over the screen. Every few seconds her face would shift slightly as she mouthed words to herself or frowned at whatever she was reading.

She looked beautiful, so unusually soft. Olivia felt her words slipping from her mind with each second that passed. She shook her head to clear it, then coughed to clear her throat as she stepped out of the shadowy hallway.

“You’re in early, Rollins,” Olivia said as she strode through the room with a confidence she didn’t feel, keeping her gaze firmly in front of her despite their almost magnetic pull towards Amanda. She paused next to the desk and rested her hand gently on the surface before dropping her eyes to meet Amanda’s. “Can I see you in my office, please?”

Olivia moved again before Amanda could respond, but she heard her chair push out from the desk.

“Yeah, because there’s so many people here to overhear a conversation,” Amanda muttered, the familiar eye-roll present in the tone of her voice.

“Regardless…I’d prefer to talk in my office,” Olivia said. She walked through the door without pause, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it on the rack. She fiddled with the scarf around her next for what felt like the thousandth time as she crossed slowly to her desk. The action didn’t go unnoticed by Amanda, who was standing in the doorway when Olivia turned around.

“Nice accessorizing,” she chuckled, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her shoulder against the doorframe. Her eyes followed Olivia’s movements as she dropped into her chair, laying her palms on her desk and drumming her fingers nervously.

Everything about the way Amanda looked at her made her mouth go dry and she swallowed the needy whine that she could feel building in her throat.

What was _happening_ to her?

She mustered up the most annoyed look she could and threw it at Amanda, but Olivia knew she’d be able to see right through it.

Olivia huffed in response to Amanda’s quip, a moment too late to be natural. “Can we, ahh, talk about that?”

She was grateful her voice didn’t betray the desperation – or the nervousness – that she felt.

“ _Here_?” Amanda asked. Her voice was almost incredulous and she turned her head slowly, sweeping her eyes around the office as if to emphasize where they were.

Olivia hated the role reversal that was happening, making Amanda the rational voice in the conversation. Still she pressed on, knowing that if she didn’t it would probably never happen.

“It’s not exactly the _ideal_ place to talk about it, but--” Olivia started before Amanda cut her off.

“We don’t need to _talk_ about it at all, Liv. ‘Specially not here,” Amanda said, pushing up from the doorframe and entering Olivia’s office a few feet.

“We _do_ need to talk about it,” Olivia insisted. She inhaled deeply, steeling her nerves and mentally rehearsing the confessions she’d been piecing together all morning, but was cut off once again, this time by the phone.

“ _Damnit_ ,” she muttered, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. She reached for the phone at the same time that she looked up to see Amanda smirking and shrugging.

“Told you,” Amanda mouthed before she turned on her heel and exited Olivia’s office. The door snapped shut behind her before Olivia had finished saying,  _Lieutenant Benson, SVU_.

The rest of the day passed in a similar fashion. Olivia felt her resolve crumbling with every hour that slipped by. She knew Amanda was avoiding her from the way she was careful to place Fin or Carisi between them whenever they had to be in the same room, and spoke to the floor rather than looking Olivia in the eye whenever she had something to contribute to a case. It stung Olivia, her lungs clenching every time Amanda moved away from her or refused to meet her eye.

Amanda didn’t speak to her again until the day had faded into late evening. Fin and Carisi had both left, and the silence in Olivia’s office stretched beyond the door. She assumed she was alone, and jumped when a sharp knock at her door told her otherwise.

Olivia was surprised to see Amanda standing in the doorway, her shoulder against the doorframe the same way she’d leaned that morning. “I thought you’d left already, it’s late,” she responded quickly, choking out the first words that came to her mind.

“Still here,” Amanda said with a tight smile. “Figured you’d corner me into this conversation eventually anyway, so we may as well have it.”

Olivia could only manage a soft chuckle and a vague nod of her head in response, knowing how wrong Amanda was. She’d completely lost her nerve somewhere between lunch and Fin’s departure from the precinct and had abandoned all plans to talk to Amanda after she’d avoided Olivia all day. She gestured for Amanda to come in.

The other woman stepped into the office, shutting the door behind her quietly before turning to face Olivia again. Her features were arranged into a neutral mask almost devoid of emotion that caused Olivia’s pulse to spike with worry and her stomach sink with disappointment. Her blue eyes, though, were wide with apprehension and a barely-discernable desire that made Olivia’s heart squeeze painfully. Amanda screwed her eyes shut for a moment and when she opened them, the hesitation was gone.

Instead her stare as she walked towards Olivia’s desk was cool, almost cold, to match the neutrality of her face. Olivia kept eye contact with her until it was too much, all of her efforts to find some hint of emotion in her gaze fruitless. Amanda sat down heavily into the chair opposite her and fixed her blue eyes on Olivia’s. With a sinking feeling that she knew wasn’t fair, she realized that she’d have to start the conversation.

“Um,” Olivia said, frozen. She felt like a deer in headlights. Everything she’d planned to say to Amanda had faded from her mind throughout the day. The only thoughts in her mind were remnants of the night before, of the way Amanda’s lips burned against her skin, the way the other woman tasted and the sound of her voice as she called Olivia’s name to the ceiling.

“Well, let’s talk,” she said. She raised an eyebrow at Olivia, staring at her patiently. “Although I don’t know what we can say today that we didn’t say last night.”

“Are you kidding me, Amanda?” The first name felt so much softer in Olivia’s mouth than the last name she typically used. Too intimate. It scared Olivia and she shook her head, clearing the thought from her mind. “It’s not like we really _talked_ about anything last night. You didn’t really give me a chance.”

Amanda scoffed, throwing her hands into the air and rolling her eyes, extending one finger and then another as she counted off her statements. “There’s really not much else to say, Liv, not to mention,” she paused, her voice quieting until her last words were barely a whisper, “you didn’t exactly ask me to stay and talk.”

Olivia prickled with indignation, her mouth falling open and a scoff building in her own throat. She ignored the sadness that had tinged Amanda’s last words, instead expelling her own from her mouth with an explosive anger that surprised even herself. “Amanda, you didn’t _exactly_ give me a chance! I asked you what’s next and you said you go home!”

She wasn’t sure where the anger was coming from. Maybe it was a way to protect herself from the rejection she was sure Amanda was preparing for her.

To her surprise, though, Amanda slumped back in her chair. She covered her eyes with one hand and sighed. The sound was tired. Olivia felt guilty for her harshness and reached across the desk for the other woman.

“Amanda,” Olivia murmured, brushing her hand over Amanda’s. She jerked her hand away at Olivia’s touch and when she spoke again, her voice was tight.

“Because it’s better this way,” Amanda said quietly. She let her hand fall away from her face and when she met Olivia’s eyes, her eyes were neutral and unblinking.

Olivia knew her disappointment was written clearly across her face. She feigned a look of confusion even though she was almost positive she knew what Amanda meant.

“What way?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, then leaned forward in her chair. She rested her elbows on her knees, chin on her fists, and fixed Olivia with a cutting glare. The movement brought her over Olivia’s desk and Olivia leaned back in response, making the next move in the push-pull dance that she’d started with Amanda. She hated it, but she had to.

She didn’t trust herself to stay in her chair, already fighting the flame of arousal that was starting to burn in her stomach.

“Liv, d’you want it to happen again?” Amanda’s voice was low. Olivia could hear the other woman’s smirk in her words, but there was a tone of apprehension there too.

Olivia didn’t respond, but she didn’t have to. She knew her answer would be clear in her eyes.

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” Amanda said with a chuckle that sent shivers down Olivia’s spine.

Olivia knew that, for how different she had felt since the night before, the changes would probably be noticeable to others, too. Amanda smiled softly for a moment before the humor faded from her eyes.

“So, it’s better this way. No cuddling. No…sleepovers. No feelings, no strings.”

It was the very scenario she’d hoped for that morning, but she couldn’t help the way her heart sunk at Amanda’s words. She knew it was the only way she’d get to experience Amanda’s touch again, but still. Disappointment blossomed in Olivia’s chest, dampening her rising arousal and leaving her chest feeling empty. She forced a smile that she knew didn’t reach her eyes and deflected with a laugh. “Friends with benefits, Rollins?”

The words sounded hollow and forced, even to Olivia.

“That’s…kinda what I was suggesting from the very beginning, Liv,” Amanda said with a shrug. Her expression was unreadable as she leaned back in her chair and continued. “We’re adults, consenting adults, we can do this.”

“We…we can,” Olivia agreed slowly.

“And we _don’t_ need to talk about it again, Liv,” Amanda murmured, smiling almost sadly. “Like I said last night, now you know what you can do next time you’re _distracted_.”

Amanda punctuated the last word with air quotes and a wink. Her posture changed the next moment too, taking on a cool confidence that was so opposite from the tone of their conversation. The familiar smirk made its way back across her lips as Amanda stood up and turned to leave the office.

Struck by a sudden flash of nerves, Olivia inhaled deeply and opened her mouth before the courage fled. “I hope you know this can be a…reciprocal relationship.”

She’d meant it to be a sultry invitation. It came out a shaky, hopeful question.

“Oh, I plan for it to be,” Amanda chuckled, the sound sending waves of heat flooding through Olivia’s body again. She had reached the door, but she turned around and flashed Olivia a smile that solidified her promise. “See you in the morning, Liv.”

The door snapped shut behind Amanda, bringing the ride she’d been on since that morning to a sudden stop. She sat still for a few moments, eyes fixed on the spot Amanda had been sitting only a few minutes earlier.

The conversation was short, to the point, but she was learning that maybe that was best. She’d just sealed her fate, at least for a while. Maybe she could escape the indulgences she had just encouraged, practically begged for without so much as a pleading word, unscathed and unhurt.

Maybe, maybe not.

But she’d thrown caution to the wind already, in a way that was so unlike her in this arena of her life, consequences be damned. She may as well enjoy it while it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and not giving up on this story!  
> I am SO so sorry for taking month to update, but school and life got in the way. Thank you so much for all of the comments and checking in about it! They've all made me so happy. And a huge shoutout to lalarandoms for all her help, and RiverSong52 for the recent motivating encouragement!  
> I hope this chapter was worth the wait and I promise to try and not take a month to finish the next one.


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